after a hot shower, all is calmer.

who knew that the dark sem was just over, and the new one is already gonna begin.
how do i describe sem 1 in one word? Disappointment.

lets just move on to my rambling to someone:
i noe u are probably as insane as i am right now but i will never forget wat u kept on saying. ur intentions were good but the words were unneeded in my life right now.
lets just say that as much as i wanna have a deep conversation with u, tonight was a totally different case.

the matter is over and rested. everything seems ok. so why bother.

so wat if u think he's a good man. i never would ever again.
the experience was traumatising. it made me see him in a different light. he was a different person that stood before u today, having that little "heart-to-heart" session. it was awakening. he was a different person altogether - someone i din really know after all.

u speak as if i was wrong abt him. as if i shouldnt be upset altogether. like i'm being an unreasonable brat. like i wanted the whole world to pity me and hate him. like i wanted to wipe him off the face of the earth.

u use the words "forgive" and "forget" too easily. dun act like a saint.

u talk abt this as if u were one of those that stood by me day and night, called me when i needed comfort, made sure i was sane and doing wat i was supposed to, flew over to my side when u knew things weren;t right. all that stuff abt really cherishing our frenship is drunk speak. only those who went through this with me will noe. they wouldnt have done wat u did. u were never ard.

i am trying. really. trying my best to make everything alright.
this has been a frightening sem.
memories of the past hit my heart like a bullet.
i am embarrased of things that i have done. but theres no need to make my future bleak.
hey girl, ur not even involved in any of the things that happen.(so u noe, I DO HAVE FRIENDS!)


i am tryinggg.... i am biting my arm and pushing myself to the limits.

and i will continue, just right after i wipe off my tears or insanity.

trembling to bed. good night.