its weird, coz i tot i was having a very slow day.
just running up and down. and talking to ppl.

suddenly, i just felt like heath ledger.
just trying so hard to make things work.
and just being so involved in whatever role i'm playing.
i cannot fake smile anymore. it just doesnt help.
i cannot be nice. i am losing my friends.
all my friends. one by one. i have no time and i dun blame them.

its these nights when i feel, hey. maybe heath did the right thing...
i noe that now i am just jumbling up all my thoughts but i just cant control myself.
everything to me is intense.

hey look, i have issues too.
and stop asking me abt vday.
i noe i'm "emotionally unstable", but seriously, i dun give a shit.

ok. im being an emomomo.
honing my craft.
irritating the shit hell of myself.


i need some help.

its good ol' cranky me.
becoming the 2-faced freak again.
why is there a need for me to carry on this public and private persona thingy?
kinda feels like the mad woman in that Fann Wong show.

in a crowd, i'm easy to spot.
NAH. i'm not the crowd stealer (according to most, i'm not pretty enough for that)
usually the loudest and the most irritating sound would belong to MOI.
i'm just not COOL.
i dunno- never ever been in the POPULAR/PRETTY clique or shit.
but i am the CLOWN, the JOKE.
People love my jokes. i'm the RAH RAH one, the CRAZY woman, the one ppl poke fun of and laff at.
Dun get me wrong. i am not complaining - my jokes are hella good.
i'm just in such a mood, everything seems like a bad thing.


I try to be the nicest person I can to everyone (even though it feels as plastic as PLASTIC). but i just know i have to do that to survive.
I'm sure that this is a mutual thing la (too bad lor).


then i go back to being myself when i'm alone.
the one that thinks too much.
the quiet one.
the one that really needs all the TLC she can get.
the attention seeker - attention in other forms.
the one that feels lonely all the time.

I don;t know what wrong with me.
or i'm being too cranky.
i just want to be taken seriously.
i want to be wanted.

i want to be me.

had the sudden urge to blog.

oh well nvm.

the urge went away.

i'm staring at the bridge. waiting in the dark.

in one of the those roller coaster moods.
you see. i find living with others very difficult.
there are things i have to keep to myself.
there are times i have to really shut myself up.
sometimes i just don't feel free.

come to think of it, the world is like that.
there is a need to be robots - emotionless, hard.
then, u begin to think to urself, what then is the meaning of life?(and other meaningless qns that no one can give an answer to)

friends. i was never alone (at least physically).
just that there's always a barrier, a distance, a need to please that keeps us away.
they are not bad people. in fact, the bulk of them are great.
its just that sometimes, i need to be myself, be mean, be selfish and be proud.
but it feels like if i do, all will be lost.
should one just be one's self or should she try and be the best person she can be?
who exactly am i living for then? MYself? or the rest of the world.


the emo bugs ar beginning to fill my head as i glare at my crazy and insane schedule.
Afraid of the coming months? DEFINITELY.
So afraid that i wish i could run away.
so afraid that i want to pee in my PJs.

its a challenge that i took up, and i'm not going to give up.
i'll fight till the end and take everything that comes.
for the future to come,
i'll be the ROBOT GIRL -- Emotionless, Hard Worker, FIGHTER.

wats the thing between whats real and whats not?

people you live with, see, talk to, hang out, eveyday... do you really know them for them?

are they really your friends?
would they sacrifice their lives for you?
is that a real friedship then?

i always have problems with friends.
i dunno wats real and wats not.

confused as ever.

after a hot shower, all is calmer.

who knew that the dark sem was just over, and the new one is already gonna begin.
how do i describe sem 1 in one word? Disappointment.

lets just move on to my rambling to someone:
i noe u are probably as insane as i am right now but i will never forget wat u kept on saying. ur intentions were good but the words were unneeded in my life right now.
lets just say that as much as i wanna have a deep conversation with u, tonight was a totally different case.

the matter is over and rested. everything seems ok. so why bother.

so wat if u think he's a good man. i never would ever again.
the experience was traumatising. it made me see him in a different light. he was a different person that stood before u today, having that little "heart-to-heart" session. it was awakening. he was a different person altogether - someone i din really know after all.

u speak as if i was wrong abt him. as if i shouldnt be upset altogether. like i'm being an unreasonable brat. like i wanted the whole world to pity me and hate him. like i wanted to wipe him off the face of the earth.

u use the words "forgive" and "forget" too easily. dun act like a saint.

u talk abt this as if u were one of those that stood by me day and night, called me when i needed comfort, made sure i was sane and doing wat i was supposed to, flew over to my side when u knew things weren;t right. all that stuff abt really cherishing our frenship is drunk speak. only those who went through this with me will noe. they wouldnt have done wat u did. u were never ard.

i am trying. really. trying my best to make everything alright.
this has been a frightening sem.
memories of the past hit my heart like a bullet.
i am embarrased of things that i have done. but theres no need to make my future bleak.
hey girl, ur not even involved in any of the things that happen.(so u noe, I DO HAVE FRIENDS!)


i am tryinggg.... i am biting my arm and pushing myself to the limits.

and i will continue, just right after i wipe off my tears or insanity.

trembling to bed. good night.