well, i guess im blogging coz im feeling bit emo.
actually, ive been keeping certain things to myself for a long time.
you know when you are really hurt by something but cant show it then you are super tempted to tell that person how you feel. at that very moment, it felt like i was about to black out. i lose control of all my senses and everything goes into slow motion. then i say the most ridiculous lines. and regret after that. it feels like shit. i cant take it anymore.
i know i hate change. i hate it when things change. i love old habits. but things like to change. day by day. things become differnt and i am always in a new space. i hate that. i m just rambling on and on again. i guess my thoughts are really jumbled. i don't exactly know what i want but i think i want something really badly.

ok, back into my hole. where no one really bothers unless they really need my help.
f- finance.

i m bleeding out digging deeper just to throw it away.

emo emo emo mood. so odd.
its been such a happy day, and den suddenly BOMB.

VDAY. money making day.

nth lovey dovey for as usual.

lonely hearts.

i walk alone.

i used to always have one person to share EVERYTHING WITH.

a friend, a confidant.

i have to admit, that person always changes.

but at this point of time,

i find no one.

littlest things you do.

lily allen playing the background, my mood is swinging like a see saw.
its the recent things that have been happening, the little little things that people do to me that make feel this way.
sometimes i begin questioning myself, do they really like me?
or am i just a clown you don't want to lose?

i feel like i'm not important anymore. hardly no one waits for me. no one.
i used to be the "favourite"? but now, my room is just the goodies room.
how can i know much lesser than someone that is not even around?
why is it that everytime i come back to my room, i feel so alone?
thats why i feel that maybe they just talk to me coz i'm there and they don't want to be rude.

if that is the truth, i feel lonelier than ever.

my other friends are with other people.
they don't need me anymore.
they don't confide in me, no one does anymore.
its like i expired.
or i am just not likable after all.
yes, i have issues. issues that never seem to go away.
but but but. this is making me feel so much worse.
trapped in the middle of the four walls, it almost feels like my own little planet.

the thing in my chest, also known as the heart, is as empty as can be.

its weird, coz i tot i was having a very slow day.
just running up and down. and talking to ppl.

suddenly, i just felt like heath ledger.
just trying so hard to make things work.
and just being so involved in whatever role i'm playing.
i cannot fake smile anymore. it just doesnt help.
i cannot be nice. i am losing my friends.
all my friends. one by one. i have no time and i dun blame them.

its these nights when i feel, hey. maybe heath did the right thing...
i noe that now i am just jumbling up all my thoughts but i just cant control myself.
everything to me is intense.

hey look, i have issues too.
and stop asking me abt vday.
i noe i'm "emotionally unstable", but seriously, i dun give a shit.

ok. im being an emomomo.
honing my craft.
irritating the shit hell of myself.


i need some help.

its good ol' cranky me.
becoming the 2-faced freak again.
why is there a need for me to carry on this public and private persona thingy?
kinda feels like the mad woman in that Fann Wong show.

in a crowd, i'm easy to spot.
NAH. i'm not the crowd stealer (according to most, i'm not pretty enough for that)
usually the loudest and the most irritating sound would belong to MOI.
i'm just not COOL.
i dunno- never ever been in the POPULAR/PRETTY clique or shit.
but i am the CLOWN, the JOKE.
People love my jokes. i'm the RAH RAH one, the CRAZY woman, the one ppl poke fun of and laff at.
Dun get me wrong. i am not complaining - my jokes are hella good.
i'm just in such a mood, everything seems like a bad thing.


I try to be the nicest person I can to everyone (even though it feels as plastic as PLASTIC). but i just know i have to do that to survive.
I'm sure that this is a mutual thing la (too bad lor).


then i go back to being myself when i'm alone.
the one that thinks too much.
the quiet one.
the one that really needs all the TLC she can get.
the attention seeker - attention in other forms.
the one that feels lonely all the time.

I don;t know what wrong with me.
or i'm being too cranky.
i just want to be taken seriously.
i want to be wanted.

i want to be me.

had the sudden urge to blog.

oh well nvm.

the urge went away.